Gasligthing

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.

-The Narcissist's Prayer, by Dayna Craig

Gaslighting is when someone intentionally or unintentionally attempts to twist your perception of reality for their own gain.

What does it look like?

1. "You're overreacting"

2. "You're too sensitive".

3. "You shoved me" when you only touched the person, or "you did X". Note: Evaluations such as "You don't care" are potential misunderstanding, not necessarily gaslightning. Could be gaslighting though - check.

4. "You need help" and its derivatives "You're crazy"

5. "I never said that".

6. "Just calm down" or "Why are you upset again?"

What gaslighting does not look like:

1. "It seems like you are overwhelmed. Am I interpreting this correctly?"

2. "I'm unsure what to do. Can you tell me more about what's going through your head?"

3. "I don't remember saying that. However, I understand that you heard it."

4. "It's Ok to be upset. I'd like to understand more what's going through your head if you're willing to let me know."

How to respond to gaslighting?

1. Start the response by thinking - realize that what you hear is different than what people said. See "I heard" rather than "you said"

   1. There's nothing wrong with you. (who decides what "wrong" and "right" is anyway?)

   2. Don't second guess yourself - it's totally OK to have heard one thing and someone (allegedly) saying something else. Think about response to the current situation rather than trying to prove "what the facts are".

   3. Think about what you're feeling. You will likely feel at least confused, baffled, or surprised.

2. Realize the following:

   1. It's Ok to be as sensitive as you are. "Too sensitive" is an evaluation, and thus subjective. Who decides how sensitive is too sensitive? Deconstruct. See Deconstructing

   2. You may not get closure or resolution from the other person. Thus, your closure may be realizing that the other person chooses consciously or subconsciously to engage with you in the way they do.

   3. Any feeling is OK.

3. Realize your truth:

   1. What you believe is true may be different than what someone else's version. Or they may be intentionally misrepresenting. Separate the two in your mind.

   2. Don't look for excuses or engage in conversation whether what happened is "excusable" or "OK". Who decides what is "OK" and what is not Ok? Likely, each person for themselves. Focus on how you feel, what your needs are and strategies to meet them in the moment. See Feelings and Needs. For coming up with strategies, see Generate Options

      1. You can choose to respond by protecting yourself. That may look like reducing contact with the person, reducing interactions that involve trust (such as not asking them for favors) or keeping in mind that similar situations may arise in the future, or doing something else.

   3. Use "I" statements e.g. "I heard xyz" "I thought xyz". If met with "No I never said or did that" respond by - "Maybe you didn't. I'm only talking about what I heard and how I feel". Don't argue what is "truth" - just focus on clarity of message - what is your truth, and what is their truth. They can be different or incompatible.

      1. Ask yourself: "What would I like to do now?", ask others: "What would you like to do now?"

Strategies for handling gaslighting

1. Distance

2. Only write things down - e.g. text only, never speak. Can work with co-parenting situations.

3. Get third party opinions. Be aware that other people will not know your full story when considering their opinions. They might have pure intent and contribute to misunderstanding or harm. Friends or online forums are options here.

4. Go no contact.

5. Do nothing. I don't recommend this. Just listing the option per Generate Options

6. A combination of the above

7. Something else (let me know!)