> For the complete documentation index, see [llms.txt](https://go.strongenoughtobegentle.com/llms.txt). Markdown versions of documentation pages are available by appending `.md` to page URLs; this page is available as [Markdown](https://go.strongenoughtobegentle.com/emotional-abuse/should-i-go-give-them-a-chance.md).

# Should I go give them a chance?

> My partner is showing steps to change after identifying abuse - should I give them a chance?

Here is a prompt to identify whether your partner is thinking about themselves or also considering you in their "steps to change":

1. Does your partner support your potential decision to leave? If no, then it's about him, not about you or your needs.

I try to make it easy for folks to leave relationships with me. That's how I know the ones who stay are more likely to do so because they enjoy it.

For example, I'd like anyone who I relate to be independent, have their own friends if they want, support group, finances, and discuss that it's OK to leave if they don't like me (or tell me or whatever other options they have.)

edit: I do this at work and in personal relations too. A few times folks are surprised that "it's OK to leave" during meetings or with friends "to not come" to an event and it *really* is all good. This has improved my personal relations and enjoyment with friends and others by 10x.

Other notes:

1. A partner who is promising "I will change and stay" is demonstrating disregard for your decision to leave and your feelings. Abusers tend to exaggerate the importance of "leaving" as some final, grand event and a bridge burned. For them, this is likely true, since a victim outside an abusive relationship can gain perspective and distance themselves further.
2. In a healthy relationship, especially friendship, leaving and coming back can and often happen organically. Think about the last time you reconnected with a long-time friend and how did that go.
3. Healthy romantic relationships carry a potential social contract of "breaking up", but they don't have to. Partners can discuss what "leaving" means, what are the parameters of coming back together (if.)


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