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Self-care for tormented people
  • Acknowledgements
  • Goals
  • The player and the avatar
  • Change your: change your mind
    • How to use this toolkit
    • Understanding the terms
    • Practice
  • Principles
    • ⚒️Clear is kind, unclear is unkind
    • ⚒️Strong enough to be gentle
    • ⚒️Only do things with the joy of a young child feeding a hungry duck
  • Mindsets
    • Term: "Mindset statements"
    • ⚒️Some Useful Mindset Statements
  • Thinking
    • Monkey, lizard, human brain
    • Term: "Thinking space"
    • Monkey scripts
    • Lizard
    • "Being aware" means to understand our momentous internal state
    • Term: "Trigger" or "Stimulus"
  • Paradigm Shift
    • ⚒️Sender and receiver
    • Term: "Feelings" are what's alive inside us
    • Term: "Needs" are our deepest motivations behind anything we think, say, or do
    • ⚒️Feelings and Needs
    • ⚒️Request and demand
    • Term: "Observation" is something I can record on camera or microphone, or notice in myself
    • Terms: Interpretation, Evaluation, Judgement, Assessment, Diagnosis
    • ⚒️Deconstructing
    • Judge who?
  • Learn a new language
    • ⚒️"I heard" rather than "you said"
    • Gasligthing
    • ⚒️"How" and "what" no "why"
    • ⚒️Check and Choice
    • ⚒️Keep your but behind
    • ⚒️Don't should on people
    • ⚒️"Thank you"
    • ⚒️"Bullshit"
    • Slippery slope of praise
    • ⚒️"I love you"
    • ⚒️How does X look like?
  • Habits
    • Replace rather than remove
    • Start small
    • Environment
    • Chaining
    • Patterns
    • Scripts
  • Connection and communication
    • Boundaries
    • Interests and Positions
    • Speak Tentatively
    • Defensiveness
    • Find common interests
    • Generate Options
  • Active listening
    • Mirroring
    • Accusation audit
    • How and what questions
    • Why nots
    • Pauses
    • Synthesizing
    • Note taking
    • "I heard"
    • "It seems like"
    • Preparation
  • Self-acceptance
    • Origins of self-acceptance
    • Turn people and yourself into a tree
    • Feelings are like waves disappearing into the deep far ocean
    • The one person you need to marry
    • I am here for myself
  • Self-awareness
    • Upset trigger - first look for how to help myself
    • "I need empathy" trigger
    • "This is me being X"
    • Boxed breathing
    • You're the only one that knows yourself best (no-one else knows about a feeling)
    • People only say "please" and "thank you"
  • Realtime Tools
    • "Bring it on" cloud
    • Calming Down
    • Instant de-stress
    • Exercise
    • Get present
    • Need trigger
    • Boundary trigger
    • Anxiety reduction strategies
  • Compound Feelings
    • Hate
    • Defensiveness
  • Success and resilience
    • Self-efficacy
    • What you heard is the only thing you can hear (vs what they said)
    • Imagine positive outcomes (in addition to negative)
    • Mostly think and speak about what you want (rather than or in addition to what you don't want)
  • Emotional Abuse
    • Request
    • what works
    • "Is this Abuse?"
    • Why do I want to go back? Why did I stay?
    • Should I go give them a chance?
    • The Abusive Mindsets
    • Improving wellbeing from abuse
    • Gaslighting
    • Finding yourself
    • Emotional Flashbacks / Feeling Memory
    • How to be resilient to emotional abuse?
  • Communicating with our subconscious
    • "Parts" and Internal Family Systems
    • "The Work" by Byron Katie
    • Turnaround
    • Images
    • Spirituality
    • Learning subconsciously
    • ⚒️"I'm scarier than my demons"
  • Common unclear words
    • ⚒️Only agree on meaning of words
    • "Defensiveness": a compound word indicating multiple feelings and needs
    • "Judgement": usually covering up needs
    • "Love": a word with at least three definitions
    • "Respect": subjective and highly contextual, thousands of definitions
    • Other words
  • Doing Things Better
    • "How can I be curious?"
    • Small consistent changes
    • Delay improvement
    • Do then find passion
    • Others' successes
    • Playground
  • References
    • Brené Brown
    • Mutual Learning Model
    • The Work
    • Ram Dass
    • Conflict Communication
    • Lundy Bancroft
    • Internal Family Systems
    • Nonviolent communication
    • Peter Deunov
    • Missing things
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  1. Emotional Abuse

what works

  • The attachment I have to his positive feedback and learning how to recognize that as part of the abusive system/cycle.

  • Trying to "fix" people's emotions is doing them a disservice

  • Modify your behavior to get your needs met is different than modifying your behavior to appease someone else. "Okay, I hope you put the little part about modifying your behavior in an effort to actually get your needs met - needs for understanding, connection, etc. is different than modifying your behavior to appease someone else. I keep thinking about that and I feel pretty empowered by it. I like that I'm a flexible enough and creative enough person that I can problem solve around communication. I have patience and interest to do that work." "However I'm adjusting my behavior because I choose to express myself in a way folks understand better rather than gain their approval"

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Last updated 9 months ago