Change your: change your mind
You have some control over your environment.
Yes, you may be in an abusive relationship, or unhappy with your job. They could be doing
Recovering yourself from unhappiness.
Steps to recovery:
Apathy - It is what it is. I accept my fate since I can't change it.
Victimhood - My fate is horrible, I am a victim
Fear - I need a change, and that hurts
Anger - Fuck yes, I need a fucking change!
Courage - I am strong 💪. I can move forward even with roadblocks.
Desire - Yes, I see a better life!
Purpose - I know what I want and why I am born here
Love - Strong enough to be gentle
(borrowed and repurposed from Julien Himself)
TODO: why we do what we do and stay in situations that are uncomfortable?
30 days exercise:
Take control of your mind and direct what you think
TODO: What is it that you want?
Make a list and think about it in a relaxed and cheerful way.
Think about it in the morning and night
Stop thinking about what is it you fear.
Replace with the worthwhile goal.
The moment you decide on a goal, you're immediately a successful person. Know where you're going. The answers will come to you on your own time.
Act and though impossible to fail.
If you fail during the 30 days - as in get overwhelmed by negative thoughts, start again 30 days from that point.
Card:
One side: goal
Other side: Ask and it shall be given you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be open for you.
All you have to do is hold your goal before you and everything else will take care of itself.
Keep calm and cheerful.
Success is not the result of making money. Making money is the result of success.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN6m0-UVLro
Navigation map:
"Nothing is going to change" -
"I'm a victim"
"I'm angry"
"I'm afraid"
...
If your messages to yourself and others are clear, always, and in a consistent manner, you're done with your inner work.
Congratulations 🎉 This is all you have to do if you want to complete your inner journey. At least in my opinion.
Now for the somewhat disheartening news:
There is no way that I know of to know for sure whether my message to others is clear. As in, what I meant was understood as I meant it.
There is no way to prove to myself that I clearly understand myself and others, in the sense that I have complete knowledge of a situation, context, and available options.
The rest of this toolkit focuses ways that might work to gain internal clarity, communicate more clearly, and be more likely to be understood.
I call these tools-not-rules, since sometimes they would work and sometimes, they won't. Sometimes they will. Hello?
Please keep the idea of clarity of message (to myself and others) on top of your mind as much as you can.
While achieving "perfect proof" of clarity is logically impossible (ask me why on Patreon), improving someone's communication skills and wellbeing beyond their wildest dreams has happened to me, and I believe is repeatable.
What can you do with this toolkit? Are you:
Wondering "am I abused?", or "is this abuse?" ->Emotional Abusechapter
How to calm down when anxious? -> Communicating with our subconscious
Afraid of speaking in public or keeping some deep secret that you wish you could have said?Self-acceptance
Are people around you idiots and jerks? -> Mindsets and Boundaries
Want to have healthier Habits?
People at work are jerks, or don't see your value, or you're frustrated at work. See Connection and communication
Living defensively? Being judged left and right? (how dare they!) Check out Feelings and Needs, Mindsets
Navigating politics at work and social life? Why are you not picked up even though you're capable to do stuff? See Thinking
Are you upset at your progress at sports or academics and comparing to others, just to see how much better than you they are and how you suck? Doing Things Better
Nothing will ever get better -> Success and resilience
I suggest that you read the whole thing, at some point. These are tools that have helped me and others live a better life. Maybe they'll be useful for you too.
Parts of this book are related to topics discussed in Nonviolent Communication, The Work by Byron Katie, Internal Family Systems, Mutual Learning Model. Having problems with some of these frameworks? So do I! Check out the TODO: dangers chapter. Like anything else, they can be used or misused. Some parts of them may be actively helpful or actively harmful or anywhere in-between.
I believe no single framework, including this toolkit, can solve all problems. This toolkit focuses on internal self-work, and intentionally does not focus on systemic, external, societal issues. Mostly because I don't have enough info and capabilities to comment on these.
When in doubt, think for yourself.
Love
Purpose
Desire
Courage
Anger --> forgive here
Fear
Grief
Apathy
https://stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/levels-of-consciousness/
If you're like me, you've doubted yourself. Maybe you thought "am I too much?", "am I right?". Perhaps you worried about the future or ruminated over the past.
Take a few moments and think about your relationship with any of the following thoughts.
How related to you is each thought and what influence might it have over your life?
When do you feel it?
What do you do or say when you experience it?
An inner voice that tells you that nothing will change regardless of how hard you try
An inner voice that tells you are not good/smart/useful enough
That you're not working hard enough, or are lazy
A creeping sense of worthlessness that you sometimes notice on the back of your head
That you have to care for someone or everyone else
To constantly check your messages
A need for intimacy and friendship
Sensitive feelings that can easily be hurt
Need to be in control of everyone or everything
Comparing yourself with others and feeling upset when they are better
Hiding and avoiding showing any mistake
Afraid of saying or showing something in front of others
A happy mask to hide your true self
Urge to binge on food, TV, porn, or other consumer media
Judgmental thoughts you have about others
Dissatisfaction with work, the economy, the world, or anything else
For 15 years I suffered with anxiety, frustrations, misunderstandings and generally missing on life. And I didn't even know. I went through an abusive relationship where I felt horrible. I was an enabler. I was clinging to ideas and societal expectations.
I read countless articles, self-help, and went to different psychologists a couple of times. I though I knew it all, and that I understand things.
One morning at work, I received an urgent call from a colleague in distress. "I no longer want to work with X" they said "because I can't. I'm going to talk with my boss to take me off the project". I listened to their struggles and issues with the other coworker, I was baffled, somewhat uncomfortable, and grateful that they picked me to share the information with. I knew both people and I knew they both wanted the best. I pondered over their shared goals for success and wondered why collaboration was failing.
This incident sparked the idea for "Brave Conversations," a club initially aimed at Microsoft employees. Over three years, the club thrived. Along with enthusiastic colleagues, we hosted 37 workshops within Microsoft, conducted over 30 experimental sessions, and impacted hundreds of individuals. Our efforts even extended to assisting coworkers in navigating exceptionally personal and challenging situations.
Most of the time, folks care about changing their life for the better in small ways. Sometimes they didn't even notice a problem even if it is affecting them.
I spent countless hours on my own and with others decoupling the intricacies of communication and self-work like self-acceptance, self-awareness, self-love. Along the way my outlook changed, my thinking patterns improved, my anxiety mostly went away. The remaining anxiety, I enjoy. I see it as a way for my brain to protect myself.
I managed to deal with some moments that would otherwise be extremely difficult, navigate personal subjects with ease. I began thinking that I want to appear, no longer I thought I wanted to disappear. And really enjoy and feel alive, not just living.
What I'm going to present here are concepts and tools that worked for me and others. I hope they work for you. And if they don't, I hope that you would let me know so that I can avoid spewing bullshit that doesn't work.
Free and collaborative
This toolkit is free. Refer others to https://strongenoughtobegentle.com for the latest version.
Support me on Patreon to get some extras like articles, controversial discussions, online and personal meetups, sessions, and workshops. During our workshops we discussed topics like funding or defunding the police, religion and the ways it affects communication. We also discuss specific situations sometimes related to emotional abuse at home or the workplace. You can help me continue expanding the list of tools, get early content, and influence new development.
If you'd like to support the numerous people who knowingly or unknowingly contributed to this, buy their books from the References section. I'm not affiliated in any way.
Rascal
Meet Rascal, our resident racoon who will help us understand some of the concepts and challenge me, the author, from time to time.
🦝 Hi! I'm Ras, the racoon. I ate the paper version of this book. You have to publish online now.
Hi, Ras!
Understanding ourselves and others can help us live a better life
🦝 I understand myself. I talk with others daily and I'm feeling pretty good right now! I can communicate already! Why would I need any of your ramblings?
Ras, have you ever felt angry, or sad without realizing?
🦝 It's usually because someone made me sad.
Hmm...like yesterday? When I told you I can't come to the trash can for our daily 4 PM rummage because I was writing here?
🦝 Yes, that made me sad, yes. Now you get it. You did it, 100%. You.
Last week I told you I can't come to the trash can for our 4 PM. You had huge piece of ham you were looking forward to eating (all by yourself I might add.) How did you feel then?
🦝 I was pretty happy about that ham.
Both times I said the same thing...that "I can't make it". But the first time you were happy about it, and the second time you were sad.
How could *I* have made you sad or happy each time, when I said the same thing! Did I really made you feel sad and happy by doing the exact same thing?
🦝 I guess you did...and you didn't?
Perhaps this happened:
I contributed to an environment to trigger an emotion that you felt a certain way.
and
You felt a certain way based on your past lived experiences, current state, and how you subconsciously and consciously interpreted the emotion
Both of these are true. I didn't 100% make you feel a certain way, neither did you.
We both did!
🦝 But mostly you did it.
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