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Self-care for tormented people
  • Acknowledgements
  • Goals
  • The player and the avatar
  • Change your: change your mind
    • How to use this toolkit
    • Understanding the terms
    • Practice
  • Principles
    • ⚒️Clear is kind, unclear is unkind
    • ⚒️Strong enough to be gentle
    • ⚒️Only do things with the joy of a young child feeding a hungry duck
  • Mindsets
    • Term: "Mindset statements"
    • ⚒️Some Useful Mindset Statements
  • Thinking
    • Monkey, lizard, human brain
    • Term: "Thinking space"
    • Monkey scripts
    • Lizard
    • "Being aware" means to understand our momentous internal state
    • Term: "Trigger" or "Stimulus"
  • Paradigm Shift
    • ⚒️Sender and receiver
    • Term: "Feelings" are what's alive inside us
    • Term: "Needs" are our deepest motivations behind anything we think, say, or do
    • ⚒️Feelings and Needs
    • ⚒️Request and demand
    • Term: "Observation" is something I can record on camera or microphone, or notice in myself
    • Terms: Interpretation, Evaluation, Judgement, Assessment, Diagnosis
    • ⚒️Deconstructing
    • Judge who?
  • Learn a new language
    • ⚒️"I heard" rather than "you said"
    • Gasligthing
    • ⚒️"How" and "what" no "why"
    • ⚒️Check and Choice
    • ⚒️Keep your but behind
    • ⚒️Don't should on people
    • ⚒️"Thank you"
    • ⚒️"Bullshit"
    • Slippery slope of praise
    • ⚒️"I love you"
    • ⚒️How does X look like?
  • Habits
    • Replace rather than remove
    • Start small
    • Environment
    • Chaining
    • Patterns
    • Scripts
  • Connection and communication
    • Boundaries
    • Interests and Positions
    • Speak Tentatively
    • Defensiveness
    • Find common interests
    • Generate Options
  • Active listening
    • Mirroring
    • Accusation audit
    • How and what questions
    • Why nots
    • Pauses
    • Synthesizing
    • Note taking
    • "I heard"
    • "It seems like"
    • Preparation
  • Self-acceptance
    • Origins of self-acceptance
    • Turn people and yourself into a tree
    • Feelings are like waves disappearing into the deep far ocean
    • The one person you need to marry
    • I am here for myself
  • Self-awareness
    • Upset trigger - first look for how to help myself
    • "I need empathy" trigger
    • "This is me being X"
    • Boxed breathing
    • You're the only one that knows yourself best (no-one else knows about a feeling)
    • People only say "please" and "thank you"
  • Realtime Tools
    • "Bring it on" cloud
    • Calming Down
    • Instant de-stress
    • Exercise
    • Get present
    • Need trigger
    • Boundary trigger
    • Anxiety reduction strategies
  • Compound Feelings
    • Hate
    • Defensiveness
  • Success and resilience
    • Self-efficacy
    • What you heard is the only thing you can hear (vs what they said)
    • Imagine positive outcomes (in addition to negative)
    • Mostly think and speak about what you want (rather than or in addition to what you don't want)
  • Emotional Abuse
    • Request
    • what works
    • "Is this Abuse?"
    • Why do I want to go back? Why did I stay?
    • Should I go give them a chance?
    • The Abusive Mindsets
    • Improving wellbeing from abuse
    • Gaslighting
    • Finding yourself
    • Emotional Flashbacks / Feeling Memory
    • How to be resilient to emotional abuse?
  • Communicating with our subconscious
    • "Parts" and Internal Family Systems
    • "The Work" by Byron Katie
    • Turnaround
    • Images
    • Spirituality
    • Learning subconsciously
    • ⚒️"I'm scarier than my demons"
  • Common unclear words
    • ⚒️Only agree on meaning of words
    • "Defensiveness": a compound word indicating multiple feelings and needs
    • "Judgement": usually covering up needs
    • "Love": a word with at least three definitions
    • "Respect": subjective and highly contextual, thousands of definitions
    • Other words
  • Doing Things Better
    • "How can I be curious?"
    • Small consistent changes
    • Delay improvement
    • Do then find passion
    • Others' successes
    • Playground
  • References
    • Brené Brown
    • Mutual Learning Model
    • The Work
    • Ram Dass
    • Conflict Communication
    • Lundy Bancroft
    • Internal Family Systems
    • Nonviolent communication
    • Peter Deunov
    • Missing things
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  1. Change your: change your mind

How to use this toolkit

  1. Start by reviewing the first couple of chapters: Principles, Mindsets, Paradigm/Shift, and Learn a new language.

  2. Continue with any chapter depending on your interests.

  3. When you find a tool that resonates, use it at work or at home. Some tools relate to self-reflection and thought. I find those most useful since they enabled me to improve my wellbeing just by myself without the help of others. They also tend to work faster for me.

Tools in this toolkit are marked with the 🛠 icon in headings and in the content.

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Last updated 1 year ago